


Dirty Little Secrets

by dorkylokifan



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, Loki Angst, M/M, Thor Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-09-02 19:27:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8680513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorkylokifan/pseuds/dorkylokifan
Summary: After Odin and Frigga's untimely death in a car accident, Thor is suddenly Loki's guardian. At first his life is upended by sadness and loss, but as he and Loki find a new routine living together as men, some old feelings, deeply buried begin to resurface. This work was prompted by Sakuralight.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sakuralight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sakuralight/gifts).



                Thor cracked open a beer as his friends watched the Superbowl with him. The halftime show was about to come on and a Budweiser commercial played.

                “I wonder what set Elton will do.” Fandral said.

                “Candle In The Wind is too somber for the game.” Thor said.

                “Oh! There he is! I like his glasses.” Sif said.

                “Now there is a proud flaming queen. When are you going to come out to your parents Thor?” Fandral asked.

                “Probably right around the time my mother starts pestering me for grandchildren.” Thor said. His cellphone rang and he got up to leave the living room to a space that was quieter.

                “Hello,” he said.

                “Is this Thor Odinson?” Came an authoritative voice from the other end.

                “Yes.”

                “This is officer Myers. Son, I have some bad news. Your parents were in a car crash this afternoon. They’re dead. I need to you come down to the station to identify their bodies,” he said. The oxygen left Thor’s lungs and he collapsed in the middle of his hallway. He sobbed, loud and ugly. He caused himself to hiccup. Even with the loud volume of the game, Thor’s friends could hear him crying. They appeared behind him, wondering what was wrong.

                “Loki…”

                “Your little brother is fine. He was at home when it happened. He’s at the station right now. Since you brother is still technically a minor, CPS has been notified. If you’re unable or unwilling to take over guardianship, he’ll be placed into foster care.”

                “He turns 18 in two months, what would be the point?”

                “Those are the rules unfortunately. Will you be able to take care of him?”

                “Yes. I’ll come get him.” Thor hung up.

                “Thor. What happened?”

XxXxXxXxXxXx

 

                Thor arrived at the station, mentally prepared to see the mangled bodies of his parents. When he entered the building, he headed for the desk, until he saw Loki.

                “Loki!” Thor rushed to him and embraced him, hard. With eyes full of tears, they cried into one another for what felt like a long time.

                “Ehem.” The desk sergeant cleared his throat. “Sorry to bother you both. Mr. Odinson, there is some paperwork I need you to sign.”

                “Of course.” Thor nodded his head. “I’m ready. Take me to see them.”

                “That won’t be necessary. Your little brother has already identified the bodies.”

                “What?” Thor turned to Loki. “Why did you let him do that?” He turned back to glare at the cop.

                “Thor, I insisted.”

                “So fucking what?! You’re just a kid! You don’t need to see that shit. I’m the adult here. It’s my responsibility to take care of you,” Thor yelled at him. Loki held back the urge to roll his eyes.

                “Thor, no. It would’ve broken you. You were always the sensitive one. Mother…her face.” Loki’s voice broke and he sobbed again. Thor pulled him back into another protective hug, still scowling at the cop.

                Eventually they were taken into an office where Thor was handed over the contents of Frigga’s purse and Odin’s wallet. As for the cause of the accident, it was both everyone and no one’s fault for all involved. There was a motorcycle and someone was following too close. A big rig was also involved. Odin and Frigga had not been the only fatalities. The police officer shoved some papers in front of Thor for him to sign. The cop also informed him that CPS would be by in the morning to do a welfare check.

                They left the station, hopping into Thor’s jeep and took off for home. It was as they were driving back to mom and dad’s that Thor realized that he had so much legal and financial stuff to worry about. The funeral, the mortgage on the house. Is the house paid off yet? Did they have life insurance? What about their bank accounts? Fuck. It was all too much. How in the hell was he supposed to even properly grieve?

                “Say something.” Loki said.

                “I love you.” Thor said. They got back to the house and Thor pulled Frigga’s keys out of his pocket to unlock the door.

                “No need. I have a set.” Loki said. He let them in and turned on the lights.

                “Are you hungry?” Thor asked.

                “No.” Loki said. He headed down the hall straight to his parent’s bedroom. Thor followed him and found Loki curled up in their bed, smelling Frigga’s pillow.

                “It’ll be gone soon. Her smell.” He turned his head and looked at him. In his eyes, the pain was so acute. Thor knew what Loki wanted. He wanted to be held. He wanted his big dumb brother to climb into bed with him and hold him like they were little kids again. But they weren’t children anymore. Loki was almost done growing, by the look of him. He was tall and lean, and so very handsome. Thor swallowed hard, and got in. They both curled around the pillow, pretending it was their mother. Their exhaustion from crying took them quickly into sleep.

                In the morning, they both awoke with headaches. They were dehydrated from crying and badly needed some water. Loki poured himself a bowl of cereal as he looked through ads for local funeral homes.

                “Loki, take the day off from that. I still have to figure out how I’m going to pay for a double funeral on short notice.”

                “They need to be cremated.” Loki said.

                “But dad always wanted to be buried.”

                “No Thor. We can’t have open caskets, and if we can’t have that why waste the money on it?”

                “Oh. Yeah.” Thor said. The doorbell rang. “That’s probably CPS.” Thor said. He was right. A haggard looking woman came in and looked around. Her name was Pepper.

                “This is a nice place. Will you be moving back here or will you sell it?”

                “I don’t know. I currently live in a one bedroom apartment. So either way, I’ll have to move. I need check with the bank on the status of the house. I might have to sell it and get something smaller,” he said. The social worker nodded and asked a few more questions about Thor’s income and living situation. She gave Thor several phone numbers and resources for all the things he needed to do. With Loki so close to legal adulthood, and in such obvious good hands, she made it apparent that she would not be visiting him again.

XxXxXxXxXx

 

                The week flew by. Thor discovered, after obtaining death certificates, that both his parents had life insurance policies totaling $500,000. He and Loki were named beneficiaries on both. In addition, the house only had three years of payments left on it. He’d be able to keep it.

                But that posed a new problem. Did he want to? He was not keen on moving back into his childhood bedroom. It was a small space not meant for a grown man over 6ft tall. Only a twin sized bed could fit in there. That meant he’d have to take over his parent’s room, and he didn’t know if he wanted to, or if Loki would let him.

                “Thor.” Loki said. Reality came rushing back. Odin’s urn was in his hands. It was time to spread the ashes. They were at the beach, on the pier. The sun was setting on the water bathing everything in orange. A gust of wind whipped up from behind them both and together the brothers tipped the urns towards the open sea.

                The wake was a draining affair. All of Odin and Frigga’s friends were there and they all spoke down to the brothers like they were still children, especially Loki. They all offered condolences and unsolicited advice. By the time the last person left, there was nothing left to say. They were done with words.

                They both walked back to their parent’s bedroom and fell asleep holding Frigga’s pillow, like they’d done every night since their deaths. Tomorrow, Thor would go back to work, Loki would go back to school and together they’d have to figure out how to carry on.


	2. Anger

“Thor! Where are my socks?” Loki yelled as he pilfered through the dryer.

                “I don’t know. Where ever you put them.”

                “You didn’t throw any of my stuff in with your load last night?”

                “No.”

                “Well why not?”

                “Loki, I’m not mom. I’m not doing your laundry for you. You’re 17.” Thor said, irritated with his younger brother. Their mother had coddled him too much, and every other minute he felt like a dick for not doing all the little things she used to do for him.

                “You’re right. You’re not mom.” Loki slammed the dryer shut and turned his back on Thor to hide his moistening eyes, yet again.

                “Loki, please don’t cry…”

                “I’M NOT CRYING!” Loki yelled, though his broken voice gave him away. His arms wrapped around his torso like they always did when he shed tears. Thor longed to reach out with his own and show his little brother just how much he loved him. The realization snapped him out of the reverie. He straightened his spine and gritted his teeth.

                “I have some clean socks in my dresser. We’ll work on the laundry when we get home tonight.” Thor said.

                “Fine.” Loki wiped his eyes and rubbed his face before turning around to face him.

                “I need lunch money.” He said.

                “I thought you normally pack your lunch?” Thor asked.

                “I do. We ran out of bread and string cheese…and those salad bowls I like.” Loki said.

                “We’ll go grocery shopping too.” Thor said, pulling out his wallet and handing his brother a $10. They both hopped into Thor’s jeep and headed out for the day. Thor dumped Loki at school, then headed off to the construction site. He was a welder, by trade.

                “Oh my god, it’s so good to see you.” Sigyn said as she pulled Loki in for a hug.

                “I don’t know if I can do this.” Loki said. He could feel hundreds of eyes on him. Everyone in school knew about his parent’s deaths. It had made the evening news.

                “A bunch of people made cards and banners and shit to show their support.”

                “Fuck. I don’t want their fake pity. I just want to be ignored. Like normal. You know damn well they are all waiting for the water works.”

                “I have an idea.” Sigyn said. She pulled out her binder and a sharpie. Loki watched as she wrote a sign. _I don’t want your condolences, kindly fuck off._

“It’s beautiful. Let’s go find some tape.”

XxXxXxXxX

 

                Thor pulled into his work site and breathed a sigh of relief. After the last ten days of sheer heartbreak and hell, he was anxious to get out of his head for a few hours and forget about his life. His boss, a burly man with beard by the name of Volstagg was a nice guy, and very understanding. But deadlines were deadlines.

                “Welcome back!” Volstagg said. “How are you?”

                “Wrecked. I just want to light a torch and melt metal until my arms go numb.” Thor said.

                “Well, I’ve got plenty of work waiting for you.” He said. “How is everything else?”

                “Awkward, difficult. But at least the check from the insurance company cleared. Loki’s inheritance is in a savings account he can’t touch until his birthday in a couple months. I managed to pay off the house, but I need to talk to Loki about keeping it.”

                “It’s paid off. Why leave? I mean, you grew up there. It’s got sentimental value, doesn’t it?”

                “It hurts to be there while my parents are not. It’s this constant reminder and I don’t know if I’ll be able to stand it long term. Everywhere I look I am reminded of them.”

                “You want my advice?” Volstagg asked. Thor shrugged. He was sure he was going to hear it anyway. “Don’t sell it. I know it hurts right now, with the loss so fresh. But give it time. Eventually you will find comfort where you currently find pain.”

                “I don’t know. It might take too long for me to get to that place in my head.” Thor said. He heard music then. The song, Hot For Teacher, blew up his phone. Thor cursed under his breath and answered.

                “Hello?”

                “Mr. Odinson?”

                “Yeah?”

                “This is Mr. Ryan. Long time no see.”

                “Yeah well, I should hope so. I graduated years ago. What did Loki do?”

                “I’m afraid, Loki is not ready to return to school. I need you to come get him.”

                “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” Thor hung up the phone. He looked at his boss and frowned. “Look, I’m probably not ready to come back yet either. Take me off this job. I’ll get the next one.” He said. Volstagg nodded.

                “Alright. I’ll call you when the contract for Meyer building comes in.” He said.

                “Thanks man.” Thor said and left. The drive back to the high school was too short.  He needed to make an appointment with a grief counselor for them both. Thor headed to the office. Sitting outside in the hallway was a young woman with a bloody nose and eyes that appeared to be blackening. The tissues that had been shoved up her nose to stop the bleeding looked crusted and disgusting. Thor went into the office and found Loki there with a satisfied evil scowl.

                “You punched a girl in the face?” Thor asked.

                “It was the right thing to do.” Loki said.

                “No, Loki it was NOT the right thing.” Mr. Ryan said.

                “She’s evil.”

                “She only offered condolences.” Mr. Ryan said.

                “No she didn’t! She said it was **_such_** a terrible shame my parents died **_that way_** and she hoped they didn’t suffer **_too much._** She’s a mean girl and an expert at getting away with saying cruel shit to other people.” Loki said.

                “Loki…” The principal started.

                “Mr. Ryan. If I weren’t afraid of going to prison, I’d punch that little bitch in the face myself. I’m taking Loki home for the rest of the week. Call it what you want, suspension, a leave of absence, whatever. But that shit starter in the hallway had better get suspended too. Come on Loki.” Thor said. They walked back to the jeep in silence, not speaking to one another until they were on the road.

                “Did you put your weight behind it?” Thor asked.

                “Yes. Yes I did.” Loki said.

                “Good. Don’t ever do that again.” He said.

                “What?” Loki asked.

                “You only get one freebie Loki. That was it. Mr. Ryan won’t look the other way if you do it again.” Thor said. “You only have this semester to go and then you’ll be done with high school. I want you to enroll and EverTech for the fall. I make good money as a welder and I think you’d like it.”

                “I don’t want to be a welder Thor.”

                “They have other programs. You could be a plumber or electrician.” Thor said. Loki gave him a look.

                “Alright, fine. Loki, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

                “A pole dancer.” He said.

                “Be serious man. You turn 18 in two months. Do you know what that means?”

                “It means I’ll have access to a quarter million dollars and you’re scared shitless that I’ll piss it all away on bullshit.”

                “Yes.”

                “Fuck you. You must really think I’m stupid.”

                “You’re a teenager. Of course I do. It’s the defining trait of your age.”

                “You are only three years older than me you fucking hypocrite!”

                “Yeah, and I’m expected to finish raising you and be your parent. I’m old enough to arrange funerals and take care of my parent’s affairs. I’m old enough to manage hundreds of thousands of dollars that don’t even belong to me because you can’t touch it yet. I’m old enough to be the responsible one, and do the laundry and wash dishes and shit. And I’m only three years older than you. So cut me some fucking slack.”

                “I can do all of those things too.”

                “Good. You can take out the trash when we get home.”

                “Fine.”

                “Fine.” They got home and used housework to avoid one another the rest of the day. Loki washed the dishes and took out the trash while Thor did yardwork. The grass needed to be mowed anyway.


	3. Discoveries

                Loki slept in his own bed that night, leaving Thor alone to sleep in his parent’s bed. The room felt empty without him there. He wanted to go down the hall and carry him back so he could hold him and hear his breath. In truth, he wanted so much more than that.

                The morning came and Thor found Loki in the garage organizing it. It was an overwhelming task for a single person to tackle, given the years upon years of crap that had been stuffed into boxes and then stacked away.

                “I should help you.” Thor said.

                “I’m still mad at you.” Loki said.

                “Fine. I have other things I should be doing anyway.” Thor said. He went back inside and riffled through the kitchen drawer where he’d tossed all the brochures and business cards he’d been given. He found the one for Dr. Banner, and placed a call to see him. His next opening was two weeks away. Thor took it and punched the appointment into his calendar app on his phone. After that, the only thing that really needed doing, was grocery shopping. He snatched his keys off the counter and went back outside.

                “Going shopping, need anything?” Thor asked.

                “I need chips and sodas for my lunches and some more hummus. We’re out.”

                “Hummus? You’re eating Cheetos and Coke with your lunch and hummus is the main course?”

                “I like what I like. And I need some C batteries. Oh, get the multigrain bread, not that cheap white stuff.”

                “C batteries?” Thor asked.

                “What? Technology.” Loki said.

                “O-kay.” Thor said. He hopped into his jeep and left. Loki turned back around to face the mountain of stuff he needed to sort. He could’ve chosen any pile to start with, but it was the one labeled Thor’s room that caught his attention. He smiled, hoping to find something embarrassing to blackmail his older brother. Or prank him. Or something. He needed to relieve the tension in the house.

                It took a good fifteen minutes of pushing, climbing and shoving to get to the boxes he wanted. He didn’t want to think about how many spiders might be crawling on his back just now. He got to the first box and finally cracked it open. Clothes. Lots of them. Nothing else. After more cobwebs, real webs, and dust he got out another box. This one was filled with old vhs tapes and sports illustrated magazines.

                Loki looked at the labels on each tape hoping to find something obvious and odd. Most of them were old action movies. Then he found a tape simply labeled, TV recording. Jack pot! Maybe. He set it aside and pilfered through the old magazines. They all had pretty girls on the cover of course and pictures of male athletes inside. Loki tried to open one but the pages were stuck together.

                “Ew. I hope that’s gum.” Loki said and tossed it. He pulled out another magazine and tried to open it, but again the pages were stuck together. A light went off in Loki’s head. One by one Loki looked through each one and all of them they were stuck together, wherever a gorgeous nearly naked man was displayed.

                Loki started to suspect something he didn’t dare dream. He snatched up that tape and ran back into the house. He looked out the window to make sure Thor wasn’t home yet and popped it into the VHS player. It was an old recording of a men’s bodybuilding competition.

                “Oh my god.” Loki said out loud. His parents had packed away all this incriminating evidence never suspecting that they’d stumbled upon Thor’s porn collection. His brother is gay!

                But why would that matter? A nagging voice suddenly popped into his head. So what if his older brother is gay and he’s gay? It’s not like they can fuck one another. Loki overheard the sound of Thor’s jeep pulling into the drive way.

                “Shit!” Loki yanked the tape out of the player just as Thor walked through the door. He threw it at the couch and put a throw pillow on top of it to hide it.

                “Hello brother.” Loki said, all smiles.

                “Finished with the garage already?” Thor asked.

                “Oh no, just taking a break. A spider crawled on me.”

                “Ah. Here, come help me with the groceries. I bought a lot of stuff.” Thor said.

                “Did you get my batteries?” Loki asked.

                “Yes, and your hummus, and your soda.” He said.

                “Thor, I hate to ask this now, but did you buy any condoms?” Loki asked. Thor blanched and gawked at him.

                “You’re having sex? With who?”

                “Well, no one yet but mom always made sure the ones I had were not expired just in case I ever got lucky, unexpectedly.”

                “Oh. Well, I’m sure you’ll make some girl very happy soon.” Thor said, returning his attention to the groceries.

                “Girl? Didn’t mom tell you? I’m gay.” Loki said. Thor looked about ready to pass out when he turned to his head to look at him again. His eyes looked him up and down in surprise, and something else that made Loki feel positively fucking gleeful.

                “Ah, no. No mom never told me.” Thor said, quickly turning away again. “Did dad know?”

                “No. I mean, I think he did know, on some level, but was in denial or something. I mean it’s SO obvious with me.” Loki said. “Anyway, mom wanted me to be safe.”

                “So, have you?”

                “No, not yet. Haven’t found the right guy yet. They’re all assholes at my school anyway.” Loki said. Thor swallowed hard, trying to find the right words.

                “Well, thank you for telling me. I know how scary coming out can be.” Thor said.

                “You do?” Loki asked, giving his brother the opening he needed.

                “Well, not personally.” Thor said, back peddling at 1000 miles per hour. His hands had the slightest tremble as he put food away in the cupboards.

                “So did you buy any?” Loki asked again.

                “No. I’ll get some next time.” Thor said.

                “Okay. Thanks for the batteries.” Loki said.

                “What are those for anyway?” Thor asked.

                “My vibrator.” Loki said, skipping off to his room.


	4. Isolation

                Loki pilfered through his closet agonizing over what to wear. He didn’t want to reflect on why he was so concerned with his outfit, only that he wanted to feel powerful and attractive. Outside the flowers were in full blossom, the last of the winter chill fleeing for the season. He hadn’t worn shorts in months and he was whiter than the holy ghost.

                He pulled on a pair from last year that used to be baggy but were now skin tight. They damn near looked like denim underwear. Except underwear usually provides full ass cheek coverage. He stood in front of a mirror and bent over. They felt like denim dental floss at that point, but the view they provided was worth the discomfort.

                He went back into his closet and pulled out a pink tank top. He grinned, pulling the hem of the shirt up through the neck. It made him look like a ridiculous gay caricature. Satisfied with his appearance, Loki left his room and pranced down the hall to the kitchen.

                Thor choked on his eggs when he saw him. His eyes raked up and down Loki’s form, lust obvious in his eyes, if only for a moment. Thor shook his head and frowned, making a face of utter befuddlement.        

                “What the hell are you wearing?” Thor asked.

                “My sunbathing uniform. I’m going to lay out in the backyard and get a tan.” Loki said.

                “Dressed like that? You’ll get hideous tan lines. Actually, you won’t. You know you’re going to get a sunburn, right?”

                “That’s why I have this stuff.” Loki said, and then turned to a kitchen cupboard full of cough syrup and aspirin and pulled out a tube of tanning oil.

                “This stuff lets me get golden without turning red and shedding skin like a snake.”

                “But why tan? I think you look nice with a paler complexion.”

                “You’re the only one that does.” Loki said. He turned and went through the living room and out the sliding glass door to the backyard. He took off his shirt and rubbed down his front and his legs. Reclining in a lawn chair, he looked up at the clear blue sky. He lay there contemplating the pigeons and the clouds.

                Suddenly, Frigga’s face appeared in his mind’s eye. Her beautiful smile and kind blue eyes, smashed to pieces. The rude interruption to his serenity made him gasp. Tears sprang to his eyes and he cried out. Nausea rose in his gut. Heartache so acute, Loki swore he was suffering cardiac arrest radiated out from his chest, to his entire being. He bent over and retched just as Thor came outside to check on him.

                “Loki!” Thor grabbed Loki’s hair and pulled it away from his face as he vomited.

                “Momma! Momma!” Loki wailed. His breathing became rapid and he started hyperventilating. Thor reached down and scooped him up, carrying him inside.

                “Shh. I have you brother. I’ve got you.” Thor said. He took him to bed and held him as he cried and trembled.

                “Her face! Her face Thor. Dad wasn’t even recognizable!” He sobbed into Thor’s shoulder, hiccupping and nose running with snot.

                “I told that fucking cop he shouldn’t have let you look at them. It should’ve been me Loki.” Thor ran his fingers through Loki’s hair, petting him.

                “No. No Thor. It would’ve messed you up.”

                “I’m the eldest, Loki. I’m the adult. I can handle these things. You can’t.”

                “No Thor. You couldn’t handle it.”

                “You’re not handling it either.”

                “But I have you to take care of me.” Loki said. He looked up into Thor’s eyes. Violent ocean blue, like a squall in the Caribbean. His own, the deep green of cut grass, glowing in the summer sun. Only now, was Thor aware of Loki’s nakedness. His bare hands cupping his head and ribcage. Their bodies entwined like lovers on their parent’s bed. And Loki, beautiful Loki, red-faced and breath smelling like vomit, still managed to look so beautiful.

                “I will always take care of you. Brother.” Thor added at the last. He swallowed hard and breathed in deep that disgusting vomit breath. He needed it to keep his mind and body from veering in a dangerous direction. Loki snuggled all the closer to him, still sniffling and shuddering.

                They lay there like that for a long while until Loki was out of tears and in need of something to drink. Loki got up to brush his teeth. Thor went to the kitchen to fetch him a glass of water. The air between them became weird, and Thor stopped looking Loki in the eye.

                “I’m going to the grocery store. Need anything?” Thor asked.

                “Ice Cream. Mint chip.” Loki said.

                “Ok.” Thor said. He got in his jeep and drove away. The air hit him in the face and he welcomed the distraction. The coconut tanning oil that had rubbed off onto his clothes now perfumed his skin. Thor drove past the grocery store to a city park full of lush evergreens and flowers. It was the middle of the day in the middle of the week. The park was mostly empty. He ran up one of the hiking trails that went up a steep hill. He veered off path to a place so dense with foliage he could no longer hear traffic or see buildings. A dragonfly buzzed around him briefly before moving off.

                The tenderness he’d shared with his brother this morning had broken him. Deep in mourning and full of grief, he’d found himself inexplicably joyful holding Loki like that. Holding him, comforting and caressing. Had Loki’s breath not smelled so horribly bad, he might have kissed him right then. God help him.

                Thor groaned in discomfort. After several minutes of solitude and not a soul coming by, he addressed his need. Shame welled up in him, not for doing this in a public place but for why he was doing it. For whom he thought of as he chased his pleasure and want. The sun shone upon him through the trees and the leaves glowed translucent green. The heat of the sunshine released even more coconut scent, aiding Thor’s incestuous thoughts. He sprayed his pollen upon the dandelions and other little flowers of the forest. It was agony. Never had he ever felt so alone.


	5. Dandelions

                Loki was wearing that skimpy pair of shorts again. He was bending over as he pulled weeds from the flower bed. It was Sunday, and tomorrow they would both attempt to once more return to work and school. This entire week had been difficult and strange. On top of grieving, Thor was also feeling his long-controlled lust for his little brother rising to the surface with more ferocity and frequency than ever before. He’d been grateful of the excuse to need to clear out his old apartment to escape his little brother, and that made him feel guilty too. His friends came over to help him pack up his bed and his couch, which he bequeathed to Sif. His jeep was stuffed full of boxes of clothing and knick-knacks. He still had possession of the apartment for another two weeks. And though it did not have a stick of furniture in it anymore, Thor felt like running there to hide from his problems.

                “I don’t know who decided that dandelions are a weed that need to be eradicated. I’m rather fond of dandelions,” Loki said.

                “They’re beautiful things that pop up where they aren’t wanted,” Thor said.

                “Like an erection,” Loki grinned as he sniffed the yellow flower. _Like you_. Thor thought. He swallowed hard.

                “I wish I didn’t have to go to school tomorrow,” he said.

                “You need to. You have finals coming up and you need to prepare. You’ve missed too much already. I need to get back to work. My boss will find a permanent replacement for me if I don’t.”

                “So? You have money. You could quit working altogether for the next decade if you play it right.”

                “Loki, be serious.”

                “I am serious. This house is paid off. You only had to shell out, what? $30,000? If you pay off your jeep and the rest of your student loans, you’ll still have a little under $200,000. Without any bills, you can make that last a really long time.”

                “And then what? Re-enter the work force with zero work history and all my training a foggy distant memory? No Loki. It is tempting, especially now to lay back and be lazy but it would catch up to me when I am old and out of money and at my most vulnerable.”

                “I was rethinking what you said. About becoming a welder,” Loki said.

                “Really?”

                “It’s not a profession I’m particularly passionate about, but it has a certain mobility to it. I could buy a truck and one of those tiny houses. You know, the ones we see on the home improvement network? We could go anywhere there is work. See the country. Meet new people.”

                “We? What about this house?”

                “We could rent it out, or sell it.”

                “But I thought you didn’t want to sell this place?” Thor asked.

                “I didn’t, at first. But every day I wake up, I feel haunted by our parent’s things. Their bedroom is now a tomb. Sometimes I feel like they are watching us, and instead of it giving me comfort I feel disturbed,” he said. Thor’s heart pounded in his chest. Loki had no idea what he was asking of him. For them to live together, in such a tight space, roaming the country together. Hopping from job to job in a new city every few weeks. They could get away from everyone that knew them and they could become lovers. No one would know they are brothers.

                “Loki, those tiny houses are too small for us. They are perfect for single people or couples, but I’d rather not sleep in a bed that is also the couch/dining table/guest room,” he said. Loki’s heart deflated at the statement. His hopes once again dashed by Thor’s rebuffing statements. He wanted to scream at him, to profess his undying and unbrotherly love for Thor. To beg him to bend him over the patio furniture and fuck him senseless. To love him in the romantic sense he wanted, so very much.

                “Fine! We’ll just stay here,” Loki snapped and marched back inside the house. The burst of anger caught Thor off guard, but he did not linger on it. God only knew what emotions of grief and hurt were swirling inside his brother’s heart. And he had his own to contend with.

XxXxXxXxXx

 

                Loki’s second attempt to return to school went much smoother. The mean girls at school had lost some of their coolness in the eyes of their classmates for having been so cruel to him. It served the bitches right. Loki buckled down and did a lot of reading for his civics and English classes. Finals were only a month away, and then graduation.

                Thor lost himself in his work, delighting in the ache and pain from working his muscles. Melting metal pieces together into exacting shapes and sizes required a great deal of his concentration. It felt like meditation, for the first time since his parent’s death, his mind was empty.

                Loki studied hard every day when he came home from school in his room, often falling asleep with a book or a pencil in his hand. Thor came home from work every day, exhausted and grateful that Loki had chosen to remain mostly cloistered in his bedroom. Thor cooked dinner and did dishes every night, stopping briefly to knock on Loki’s door to offer him a plate of food. He didn’t complain about the small mountain of dirty dishes forming on his bookshelf. It could wait until the weekend, and he needed the break from the constant presence of his beautiful little brother.

                The week went by so quickly, that Thor was surprised by the robo-reminder phone call for the appointment with the grief counselor. He knocked on Loki’s door.

                “Yeah?” Loki asked.

                “Hey, our appointment with the grief counselor is tomorrow at 3pm. I’ll knock off work early and pick you up at school.”

                “You really think we still need one? I mean, it feels a little late now. The worst part is over.”

                “I don’t think it is actually. I think it would be good for both of us,” Thor said. Loki shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t see what benefit would come of it.

XxXxXxXx

 

                “Dr. Banner,” Thor leaned in and shook the man’s hand. Loki kept back, looking him with something akin to distrust.   


                “Right.” Bruce looked over the two young men. According to CPS, they were brothers but he did not see any familial resemblance whatsoever. Stepbrothers, perhaps? He doubted they were half-brothers given how little they shared in physical traits. “So, I think I will start with Thor. If that is alright?”

                “Whatever,” Loki said and sat down in the lobby and grabbed a magazine. Bruce ushered Thor into his room and shut the door.

                “Alright. So really quick, just some preliminary questions. You and Loki, you’re related to each other how?”

                “Um, we’re brothers.”

                “Step, half?”

                “Whole,” Thor said. Bruce scribbled notes on his pad where Thor could not see. He wrote the word _Adopted_ , underlining it and with a question mark. If one of them was adopted, the question would be, which one?

                “Your parents both died in a car crash yes?”

                “Yes.”

                “Were either of you with them? Did you witness it?”

                “We weren’t there at the time, but Loki was the one to identify the bodies.”

                “Ok.” Bruce said, scribbling more notes. “Right. So, tell me how you are doing.”

                “Oh, um. Fine, I guess. Well, not fine. I mean, as good as can be expected,” Thor began. Unsure of what to say.

                “Tell me how your life has changed,” he said.

                “I was living on my own in my own apartment before, but I’ve had to move back home to take care of Loki.”

                “Are you sleeping in your old bed?”

                “No, actually. My old room was converted into an office. It was small and I’m so tall now, so I’ve had to sleep in my parent’s room.”

                “How does that make you feel?”

                “Depressed. Loki and I both slept in that bed together during that first week. The room smelled like our mother. But everyday I’m there, I’m slowly replacing her smell with mine. I hate it. It’s their room. The closet is full of my father’s things. I don’t have the heart to throw all of it away.”

                “Do you plan on moving out? Selling the house?”

                “I don’t know. I want to. Loki said that he wants to.”

                “So, what’s stopping you?”

                “I don’t really believe that is what Loki wants, and I don’t want a stranger moving in. It’s our home. I want to be able to visit whenever I want.”

                “Visit? But not live there?”

                “I…I don’t know,” Thor’s choked. His eyes teared up and he looked off at a picture on the wall. “I love my brother,” he began, “but I’m his parent now. I know he’ll be 18 soon, but that isn’t the point. I’m the patriarch of our little family now. I’m the eldest and while Loki has me to look up to for strength, I don’t have that. I must be strong for him and there are days when I don’t know if I can. I want to cry and be held by my mother and ask my father for advice,” he burst into tears then. Bruce passed him a tissue box as Thor sobbed into his hands.

                “It can be hard to know which burdens to share with your younger brother and which struggles to keep to yourself. How are your finances?”

                “Good. Good, actually. My parents each had a life insurance policy. Money isn’t a problem. Though, I am worried about what Loki will do with his portion when he gets access to it. Handing a quarter of a million dollars to an 18-year-old is a recipe for disaster.”

                “You don’t trust your brother’s judgement?”

                “Hell no. He’s a teenager,” Thor said. Bruce smiled at that.

                “Is it just because he’s a teenager, or is there a deeper reason?”

                “I worry, that in his grief, he’ll develop bad habits. Blow all of his money on drugs, alcohol, or some other diversion to avoid the pain of our loss.”

                “That is a legitimate concern. Next week I’ll have both of you on the couch together. Right now, I’m going to bring Loki in and listen to his concerns.”

                “Thank you, doctor. I feel better already.”

                “Crying is cathartic. Helping the two of you form a stronger bond to cope with your new lives will take time,” Bruce said. Thor exited it the room and beckoned Loki to enter. Loki’s frowned, his arms crossed as he entered.

                “Alright Loki.  Let’s get started. Thor tells me you were the one to identify your parent’s bodies. Is that right?” Bruce asked. Loki glared at him.

                “Aren’t you supposed to soften me up with a couple of softball questions first?”

                “Would you like me to?” Bruce asked. Loki sneered and shook his head.

                “Yes. I did.”

                “Are you suffering any nightmares or daytime distractions from the memory?” Bruce asked.

                “I’m not having nightmares.”

                “But you’ve had disturbing images interrupt your thoughts during the day?”

                “Yeah. So what? It’s normal.”

                “It is, but that doesn’t mean you have to live with them. Tell me Loki, what is the earliest memory you have of your parents.”

                Loki sat and pondered his memories. For a brief moment, an old dream flashed through is mind’s eye. It wasn’t about Odin or Frigga, but of another man and woman with black hair and green eyes. They were looking back at him from the front seats of a car. It disappeared quickly and was replaced by the memory of Thor, only five years old. With golden ringlets in his hair and chubby rosy cheeks, he remembered Thor offering him some chocolate and hugging him after a tumble.

                “Loki?”

                “I fell down and scrapped my knee. I was learning how to walk, I think. I cried and Thor came and hugged me. Then my mother came and picked me up.”

                “Thor’s always been there to take care of you, hasn’t he?”

                “Yes. Well, no. During high school, we drifted apart. When Thor finished trade school he moved out and got a job. The last couple of years he only came around on holidays. He forgot about me.”

                “He was a young man, trying to establish himself in the world. I’m sure he was busy. In any case, he’s back in your life again.”

                “But he doesn’t want to be. He doesn’t want to be near me.”

                “Is that why you took it upon yourself to identify the bodies?”

                “No. I mean yes. I did it to ensure my own survival really. Thor is so sensitive and sweet, you see. I knew that whichever one of us that had to see them, all mangled up like that, that he would be ruined by it forever. I found it better to let me be messed up by it than him. I need Thor to be strong. I need him to take care of me. He can’t do that if he’s messed up in the head. Things have been hard enough for him as it is.”

                “Do you think Thor is ambivalent about being forced to take care of you?”

                “No, I don’t know. I don’t know what he feels. I just know that I need him.”


	6. Almost Like the Real Thing

                “Loki!” Sigyn called after him. She knew he was avoiding her. The tickets for prom had gone on sale that morning and she knew he was angry and bitter about the anti-gay stance the school had on same sex couples.

                “I’m not going Sigyn. I’m not going to support this tyrannical bible thumping homo-hating fiasco!”

                “Oh, for fuck sake Loki. Put politics aside for one night. Under any other circumstances, I would totally agree with you and boycott the damn thing with you.”

                “So what’s different? And don’t say it’s because of my parents.”

                “It’s because of your parents,” she said. Loki rolled his eyes and tried to walk away but Sigyn blocked his path. “You need to do something normal. We graduate in a couple of months. You’ll be 18 by then and you’ll be an adult, on your own. This is your last chance to do something that normal carefree teenagers do.”

                “No teenager is carefree. If they are then they are either fools or spoiled rich bastards who’ll never have a care ever in their lives.”

                “You’re one to talk Mr. Inheritance,” Sigyn said teasing, trying to make a joke. But it fell flat and the haunted look in Loki’s eyes horrified her. “I’m sorry! Look, Brad broke up with me last week and I don’t have a date.”

                “He did? Sigyn, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

                “Don’t apologize. My little love problem is not important. You’ve been busy with bigger issues,”

                “Your problems are always important to me,” he said.

                “Damn Loki. If you weren’t gay…”

                “Yes, I know. Will and Grace. Fine. I’ll go. I’ll escort my beloved beard to the prom.”

                “Thank you. Green matching colors?”

                “Anything you want. It’s all about the dress anyway,” he said. Sigyn squealed and threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. Then, she went skipping off to buy their tickets.

                Loki finished out his classes and rode the bus home, finishing his math homework during the ride. He got home to the empty house and it hit him. Mom would not be home, 28 minutes from now, to start cooking dinner. Thor would be, but his cooking wasn’t her cooking. It would never be.

                Suddenly he wanted Frigga’s spaghetti and meatballs more than anything in the world, and Thor didn’t know how to make them right. He didn’t either, but he’d sure as hell try. Loki threw open the freezer door and yanked out the ground beef and searched for ground pork. He knew that she used both to make hers. He pulled out breadcrumbs and herbs. He got out the noodles and a jar of pasta sauce. He didn’t know the amounts, or if he was missing any ingredients.

                He nuked the meat just long enough to get it soften up. He tossed everything in that he thought belonged and mixed it all up with his hands. He put on a pot of water to boil and got out his mom’s big skillet. Once the meat was all rolled up into little balls, he placed them in the sizzling olive oil to cook. Things were coming together when Thor rolled up the driveway in his jeep.

                Thor entered the house and smiled at the smell of dinner being ready for him. The kitchen was a mess. The pasta sauce had been on too high a heat and had splattered all over the stove. Open ingredients were still on the counter. The powdered garlic had tipped over and spilled. Loki had dirtied up more dishes than his mother used to, and he hadn’t cleaned them yet.

                “I didn’t know you could cook,” he said.

                “I didn’t either. I’ve never done this before. I just tried to do what I remember mom doing.”

                “It smells really good Loki,” he said. It reminded him of Frigga’s meatballs, though the smell wasn’t quite the same. Thor pulled the noodles from the stove and drained them.

                Plating took a couple of minutes and when they sat at the table together, Thor felt warmth in his chest as he looked at Loki. They both picked up their forks and took a bite of meatball. They were cooked well, browned nicely, and tasted great. Yet, they did not taste like his mother’s meatballs.

                “These are delicious Loki,” Thor praised, smiling as he wolfed down his dinner after a long grueling day of hard manual labor. But Loki’s chewing slowed. All joy fled his face. He’d failed. These were not his mother’s meatballs. He didn’t know how to make them, and he’d never taste them again.

                He picked up the full plate and flung it across the room, hitting the far wall. The plate shattered into a hundred pieces as noodles, sauce, and meatballs exploded into red chaos against the white paint. Thor stood up in shock.

                “What the fuck Loki?!” Thor glared at him. Loki didn’t move. He didn’t even look at him. His chin trembled and a tear ran down his cheek. His eyes squeezed shut and his hands flew up to cradle his face was he wept at the dinner table. His whimpers became loud ugly sobs as his shoulders shook. Thor slowly sat back down, his eyes affixed on his brother.

                “They are good, but they aren’t hers. I miss them too,” Thor said.

                “You’re going to leave me too. Aren’t you?”

                “No. No, never Loki.”

                “Yes you will. After I graduate and start trade school in the fall, I’ll be a young college student. I’ll be at the time in my life when I’m expected to strike out on my own and learn to be a man. Like you did. I know you miss hanging out with your friends. I know that having some high school kid hanging around all the time is a burden. I get in the way.”

                “That’s not true. Loki, Loki look at me. None of that is true. I’m not going to abandon you. I’ll never leave you. You’re the only family I have.” Thor took Loki’s hand into his. His blue eyes held such compassion and affection, it stole Loki’s breath. His green eyes were so luminous, strangely because they were so bloodshot. His face was paler than usual and framed by that midnight wavy hair. He was the picture of tragic beauty, and Thor’s heart ached in his chest. Something else ached as well, and Thor withdrew his hand from Loki’s as desire scorched his skin.

                “I’ll help clean up. Afterwards we can watch a movie together. Okay?”

                “Okay.”

                The kitchen filled with the sound of clattering dishes and pots as the sink filled with soap water and Loki gathered the spaghetti explosion into the trashcan. Scrubbing the wall clean took time. After almost an hour of cleaning in silence, the pair went to the living room and plopped down on the couch.

                “What do you want to watch?” Thor asked, breaking the long silence.

                “I think we could both use a good laugh,” he said.

                “Yeah. Yeah, we could. How about Animal House? It’s a classic,” he said.

                “Sure,” Loki said with a shrug. They sat on the same couch, but on opposite ends with a huge gulf between them. About halfway through the movie, Loki remembered something he needed to tell Thor.

                “Sigyn and I are going to the prom together, next Saturday.”

                “Oh. Okay. You’re not going to take…a guy?”

                “Can’t. The school board is run by homophobes. I need money to rent a tux and get a limo, and flowers and dinner and bullshit.”

                “Ok. I’ll make a couple of calls tomorrow,” he said. He watched Loki then, as he watched the movie. A question nagging at the back of his mind would not go away.

                “So, if you could take a man as your date, do you have anyone in mind?”

                “No. Not really. Sigyn’s boyfriend broke up with her and she needs me.”

                “Ah. So you’ll be with her? All night?”

                “I’m not planning on hooking up with anyone after the dance Thor. I’m not interested in any of them.”

                “Ah. Ok. Good.”


	7. In Flagrante

                “So, what was wrong with the spaghetti?” Bruce asked. Thor and Loki were both in the session together today and the topic of the stages of grief, including anger, was being covered.

                “It wasn’t my mother’s spaghetti. It didn’t taste the same, despite my best efforts. I keep realizing all the little things I lost when I lost my parents. I was trying on tuxedos for the prom the other day, and my dad wasn’t there to give me his opinion.”

                “Was Thor there?”

                “Yeah,” Thor said.

                “Well? Loki, did you ask Thor for his opinion?” Bruce asked.

                “No,” he said.

                “I know it hurts, when you have these moments where you wish your parents were here. But you cannot neglect the one person left in your family that is right in front of you.”

                “It isn’t that!” Loki protested. “He’s my brother not my dad. You know how it is between brothers. He would have teased me and I’m, I’m a shallow sensitive creature.”

                “Loki, I wouldn’t have,” Thor said in a gentle voice. Loki quirked an eyebrow at him and gave him a look. In truth, it wasn’t the fear of teasing that stopped Loki from asking Thor’s opinion.

                “Okay, maybe a little. But I also would have told you that you’d picked out the best look without my help. The tux you chose fit you perfectly, and the green trim really brought out your eyes. You looked elegant,” Thor said. The two young men were both sitting on the same couch, relatively close. Thor’s arm was resting on the top of the couch behind Loki, bringing him just inside his personal bubble. Thor’s eyes were locked onto Loki’s face, and his expression was like sunlight shining on a meadow. Loki basked in that sweet glow. With their legs crossed towards one another, and a mutual hunger in their eyes, they looked every bit the smitten couple.

                Bruce’s red flags shot up.

                “So, Loki why are you taking a girl to the prom if you’re gay?”

                “Her boyfriend broke up with her and she’s making me go. Said it would be good for me,” he said.

                “I agree with her. Your friend is very smart,” Bruce said. He paused for a moment as he pondered a way to inquire about Thor’s own sexual orientation. He hadn’t bothered asking because he hadn’t thought it to be relevant, until now. Loki was admittedly gay, but his older brother seemed to be of the straight variety, until a moment ago.

                “Thor, since Loki is making a point to go out with a friend to a social event, I was wondering if you were taking time to do the same?”

                “No. I haven’t hung out with my friends since the day my parents died. They were there when I got the call. Aside from helping me move out of my apartment, I haven’t spent any time with them.”

                “You shouldn’t neglect your other relationships. It would be good for you to spend time with your friends. I know that there are private things that both you and Loki, don’t want to share with one another. And being able to bitch about your brother’s annoying habits to your girlfriend can be therapeutic,” Bruce said. A look crossed both Loki and Thor’s faces.

                “I don’t have a girlfriend,” Thor said, looking down at his shoes. Bruce noted how Loki was watching his brother with the kind of hope only prospective lovers displayed.

                “Thor’s love life is non-existent. The last time he dated a girl was when _he_ went to prom,” Loki said, setting the bait.

                “I’ve dated loads,” Thor protested.

                “You’ve shot loads, you mean. None of them were good enough to bring home and meet mom and dad though.”

                “That’s because…” Thor trailed off. His eyes darted back and forth between Loki and Dr. Banner with alarm.

                “Thor, this is a safe space. Is there something you need to tell your brother?” Bruce asked.

                “I…” The alarm went off, marking the end of their session. Bruce cursed inwardly and smashed his hand on the button.

                “Ignore that. This is important,” Bruce said.

                “It’s nothing. I just…had a rough break up a couple of years ago was all. With this girl…” he lied. “It’s not important now.”

                “I understand,” Bruce said. When the brothers left his office, Bruce sighed with concern. Loki was gay. Thor knew this. Bruce was certain now, that Thor was gay also. The only reason Thor would not feel comfortable coming out to his own gay brother, was if he also desired him.

XxXxXxXxXx

 

                Loki’s long spidery fingers wrapped around Sigyn’s waist as they posed for pictures. Thor was with Sigyn’s dad as their cameras flashed. Siggy’s dad was quite happy to have his daughter’s gay friend take her to the prom. It removed all worries about her getting knocked up by her date.

                Thor for his part, got lots of shots of Loki in his tuxedo, with Sigyn mostly out of frame. He took a couple of good ones with her in it, for Loki’s benefit. But the others were for his personal stash. The limo arrived and the young friends took off for the dance, while Thor hopped into his jeep and made the short drive home. Per Dr. Banner’s advice, Thor’s friends were coming over to hang out with him.  

                “Thor!” Fandral hugged him hard and then craned his neck around to admire the house. Sif did too. Steve and Bucky, Thor’s first gay friends from high school followed behind them. The pair hung on each other, radiating love and lust. Thor couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that swept through his body. They were a good-looking couple, and Thor would be remiss if he did not confess to himself how horny their intimacy was making him.

                “Thor, buddy. We brought a friend. This is Hogun,” Steve said. A handsome little Asian man came in and they shook hands.

                “Nice to meet you,” he said. Thor smiled but he was in no mood for match making.

                “Alright gentlemen. As the resident beard, I get to pick the first activity.” Sif announced.

                “Well darling, if you want us all to run a train on you, you’d better get into position,” Fandral teased. He and Sif were dating, but Sif was well aware of Fandral’s bisexual appetites, and benefitted from them frequently.

                “You do have handsome friends, baby,” she teased right back. “Beer pong!” Cups and ping pong balls appeared along with a case of cheap ale. Thor agreed to pair off with Hogun to appease everyone and they took Sif onto their team as well, while Fandral fought with Steve and Bucky on the other end.

                Their play with the drinking game lasted for over an hour, ending with Thor polishing off the last of the alcohol. Everyone was getting hungry, so while Thor made sandwiches, the others explored the house. There was a line for the bathroom.

                “Sif! Hurry up in there!” Bucky yelled through the door.

                “Go pee in the backyard! You’re all men!” she shouted back.

                “Come on,” Steve said with a big grin. They headed out back and took aim at a particularly unruly looking bush.

                “Hey Thor!” Steve called back as Thor came outside with a plate of food to serve. “You need to do a little hedge trimming back here!”  Sif appeared and they all took a moment to clear their foggy heads in the crisp night air.

                “Where’s Fandral?” Thor asked. On cue, Fandral came running out the back door with a buzzing dildo in his hands.

                “Holy shit Thor! Your little brother has a vibrator in his room!” He laughed and shook the floppy wobbly thing around for comedic effect.

                “Oh my god!” Sif slapped Fandral in the arm repeatedly. “What the fuck are you doing? Put that back! That is disgusting. You don’t touch other people’s sex toys!” she screeched at him. Fandral laughed and ran back inside to put it back where he found it. And wash his hands. Thor hoped.

                “Thor, is your little brother gay?” Bucky asked, as he snatched a sandwich off the plate.

                “Um, yeah.”

                “Well that’s great! You must be so relieved. I know you were afraid to tell your parents, but now at least you’re not in the closet anymore,” Steve said.

                “Um, yeah,” Thor didn’t elaborate.

                “How did the kid take it? Was he surprised, or did he kind of already know before you told him?” Sif asked.

                “He was surprised,” Thor lied.

                “Well, good. We can take him with us the next time we go clubbing,” Bucky said.

                “No! He can’t go,” Thor said.

                “Why not?” Sif asked.

                “He’s not 21. He’s not even 18 yet,” he said.

                “In like two weeks. Besides, being under 21 never stopped you from getting in,” Steve said.

                “Look, I’m just protective of my little brother is all. I’m supposed to be raising him, not taking him to a den of lust to meet guys that want to use him,” he said.

                “Thor, c’mon. We were having sex at his age. You should include him. You’re always saying that you are having a hard time finding things to do together,” Steve said. For a moment Thor mistook Steve’s meaning. His face grew hot and his cheeks flushed. His eyes went wide with fear of exposure.

                “Man, that sounded so wrong, the way you said it,” Bucky said.

                “I didn’t mean it like that! Gosh, you think I’m a pervert?” Steve asked.

                “Think it? I know it,” Bucky said, smiling at him. It became awkwardly quiet then, and no one knew what else to say. It was after midnight, and everyone was beginning to feel the pull of sleep on their eyes.

                “I’m tired guys,” Thor began.

                “I am ready to go home as well,” Hogun said. “I can drive if any of you need that.”

                “You sure man?” Steve asked.

                “Yeah, I didn’t drink much and my last beer was an hour ago.”

                “Alright. Thanks.” Bucky said.

                “You guys sure? You can always crash here.” Thor offered.

                “Nah. Fandral is feeling pretty randy and I’m sure you don’t want to fall asleep listening to the sounds he makes when I peg him,” Sif said. Thor chuckled at that, and everyone headed for the front door. He watched all of his friends pile into one car and drive off, leaving him alone in a big empty house.

                It was eerily quiet then, and Thor was left thinking about sex, about relationships, and his own need to connect. Loki wasn’t home yet. He didn’t know when he would be. He hadn’t bothered with a curfew. The limo driver would bring him home eventually. He walked down the hall towards bed, but stopped shy at Loki’s bedroom door. He entered and looked around.

                Loki’s room was looking neat and tidy these days, much more so than when he first arrived. Thor chalked that up to Loki being forced to care for himself. Without mom around to do his laundry and the vacuuming, Loki had become self-sufficient. Thor looked down at Loki’s bed and noticed the phallic shaped item shoved hurriedly under the pillow. Thor closed his eyes, and took a deep breath in through his nose, reveling in Loki’s scent. It was strong in here. Thor’s skin tingled and a shiver went up his spine and down into his cock. He was growing stiff. He reached into Loki’s laundry hamper and pulled out the t-shirt Loki had worn yesterday. He buried his face in it, breathing in his brother’s musk.

                He took it with him to his parent’s bedroom, tossing it down so he could undress. He was alone. He was alone and he could moan as loud as he wanted to. He let Loki’s name spill from his lips and gave himself over to a fantasy he’d been holding back since high school. He spat into his hand and stroked himself, but stopped. No, he needed to drag this out. He sniffed the shirt again and then pulled it over a pillow. Now he had something to hug, to hold onto. He laid down on the bed, holding it to his torso, imagining it was the lithe lean body cuddling with him. He began with a nipple, just one. Teasing the tip with a brush of his thumb.

                He imagined he was teasing one of Loki’s own dusty pink nipples. It would pebble from his touch and look so pleasing against that creamy expanse of skin. Thor planted his feet on the bed, bending his knees and splaying his thighs wide. His cock throbbed. In the open air, on display, for God, the Devil, or whoever might be watching him writhe to the thought of making love to his own blood. He ran his hands along his skin, raking his abdomen, his inner thighs, everywhere except _there_.  Bright green eyes, wide with innocence, looking up at him in awe and admiration. Yes, thin delicate lips swollen from kisses parting to give, to receive, to speak of forbidden things that must stay secret.

                “Loki…” Thor moaned when he pinched his nipple.

                “Loki…” he moaned when he cupped his sack.

                “Loki…Loki…” he panted when he grabbed his shaft and started the long even strokes that built and built up ever higher.

                “Loki…Loki…LOKI!”

                “Thor?”


	8. The Leap

                Green eyes were fixed upon him. Loki’s name had broken free from his throat in a hearty shout. Like a witch summoning a demon with magic words, his sinful activity and muttered lust had called his brother to him at the height of his pleasure. Seeing him, seeing him watch him back at that moment only added to the pleasure and the horror he felt inside. His seed squirted up high before arcing, coming back down and hitting the bedspread with a deafening ‘sploot’. Naked, legs spread, dick out, and coming while crying his brother’s name. What more could be said?

                “Loki,” he said softer this time. Thor’s eyes focused as embarrassment and self-loathing flooded his being.

Loki’s looked him over. He noted the pillow with his shirt from yesterday pulled over it, which Thor clutched to his body like a lover. His hand on his pulsing cock. His name tumbling from such sweet lips.

“I knew it,” Loki started.

                “Brother forgive me!” Thor put his arm out towards Loki, expecting him to flee in disgust. But Loki didn’t. He just stood there. His eyes looked down as though he was processing what he’d seen. He sighed and cast his eyes up to look upon Thor once more.

                “I don’t want to forgive you. I want what you want. Thor, I want you.”

                “Brother…”

                “Yes, we are brothers, and we need to talk about that. Let us be honest.  You are gay, correct?”

                “Yes.”

                “And you wouldn’t tell me because you wanted me.”

                “Yes.”

                “I’ve wanted you too, for a while now,” he said.

                “Loki, it’s not right. You’re vulnerable and dependent upon me, and your feelings are just mixed up from…”

                “Bullshit! I’ve felt this way since before they died. Every time you came over to visit, I couldn’t get enough of my big beautiful brother. I was afraid to admit that what I felt for you was more than brotherly affection. That my feelings for you had turned into something taboo and shameful. The problem is, I don’t have any shame Thor. I doubt I ever will. And now that I know you feel it too, I see no reason why we should deny ourselves. How long have you felt this way about me?”

                “It doesn’t matter. It’s wrong!”

                “I don’t give a fuck if it’s wrong,” Loki walked to the bed in two long, fast strides and got in Thor’s face. He whispered then, as he gazed into those blue, deep blue eyes. “Every time I touch myself, I think of you. Every time my toys slip inside I come with your name on my lips just as you did now. When did you realize, you wanted me? What did that first time feel like?” Loki’s hand came up and carded through Thor’s golden hair, making the older brother’s breath hitch in his lungs.

                “Last year, when you had your growth spurt. Your shoulders had broadened over the summer and you’d grown several inches in such a short amount of time. For the first time, I saw a man and not a boy, and I wanted you.”

                “We need to sell the house. We can’t stay here after I graduate. I can go to any trade school in the country. You can pick up a job almost anywhere, and even if you can’t, school won’t take long. We need to move to a place where no one knows us. Start over. We can tell people that our last names are the same, because we are married.”

                “Loki, this is madness!” Thor said, still naked. Loki reached down and grasped his cock. Thor’s hands fumbled around Loki’s to try to pry it off, but Loki would not let go.

                “No, it’s incest. We want to fuck each other, and more. We can keep it a secret. No one needs to know. We can live a double life. We can get away with it.”

                “We would get caught. We would never be able to come back here.”

                “So? We’re young. People move away and never return to their home towns all the time.”

                “What about social media? Our taxes? Our birth certificates?”

                “We will figure that out. Take each problem as they arise,” Loki said, and then kissed him. His hand worked Thor’s now limp and spent dick. The flesh, oversensitive from too much stimulation too soon, sent out painful twinges begging Thor for a break. Thor lurched out of the kiss and leapt out of bed on the other side. Loki’s eyes followed him, betrayal and heartache threatening to crest.

                “I love you Loki. I have for a very long time, but you _are_ vulnerable, and I would never forgive myself for taking advantage of you.”

                “You’re NOT taking advantage of me! I’m begging you to fuck me! Love me! Be with me always. It can be just the two of us, forever! Don’t you want that Thor? Don’t you want to be inside of me? Every night we could make love. I want that. I want you. You could be my first. You could be my only, and I’d never want for another. You’re everything I have ever wanted.”

                “We can’t,” he said. Tears streaked down Thor’s rosy cheeks and it reminded Loki of his tumble so long ago. Tears sprang to Loki’s eyes, as rage and rejection warred for supremacy. He ran from the room, down the hallway, and out the front door. He ran down the block, passing house after house. The full moon hung high in the sky, illuminating the sidewalk. His world was ending. Thor would surely abandon him now. He’d have to. Their mutual desire for one another had not brought them together, but had torn them apart.

                His lungs and legs burned from exertion, and he slowed to a walk after about a half a mile. He reached the main road and followed it, not knowing where he was going. He couldn’t go home. In a rented tux and not a penny left after his night at the prom, he had no plan. Making plans was pointless now. There were no cars on the road. No noise. Like the suburbs had been emptied of all living creatures.

                He’d lost everything. He’d lost Thor. What was the point of living if no one loved you? Or worse, ran from you because society deemed them unacceptable. And Thor, looking so tormented, would surely leave the moment he could.

                Loki reached the bridge on South Street. Beneath was a dried-out creek that flooded the canal every spring. There wasn’t any water in it now, just a hard, dry bottom. Loki stepped up onto the thick cement railing and looked down on eternity. It was going to hurt like hell.

                “Loki stop!” Thor’s voice bellowed from behind him, jolting him.

                “Thor?”

                “What are you doing?” Thor asked, looking up at him. He felt guilty then, and ridiculous. Like a selfish asshole for even thinking of inflicting further pain on the man he loved. “Come home baby. I, I’ll do anything to make you happy. Just come down.”

                Loki leapt down, into his arms, and burst into tears. Thor held him tight, and when he tilted his head up to breath, he kissed him. He poured his soul into it, trying to convey all the love he felt without words. Loki jumped up and wrapped his legs around him, not giving a damn if they might be seen. When they finally stopped kissing to catch their breath, Loki laid his head on Thor’s shoulder, and let him carry him home.


	9. The Unspoken Truth

Thor lay Loki down on the bed, and hovered above him for a moment.

                “You’re going to leave me now.”

                “No. No brother. I need you just as much as you need me. We will figure this out,” he said.

                “Stay with me tonight,” he said. Thor’s fingers reached for the buttons on Loki’s dress shirt. He worked his way down, pulling open the garment. Loki sat up, and removed his jacket and unzipped his pants. The rented clothes were lain carefully over the arm of a chair, leaving Loki in his undershirt and boxers. Thor removed his jeans, which he’d hastily pulled on earlier without any underwear. Again, Loki’s eyes were privy to Thor’s most intimate area. Thor walked over to the dresser and grabbed a set of boxers and yanked them up. He kept his t-shirt on, much to Loki’s disappointment.

                “Come on. Under the covers. It’s late,” Thor said.

                “You’re not going to make love to me. Are you?”

                “Not tonight,” he said. Loki wanted to scream at him. He felt like Thor was stringing him along just to keep him from harming himself. But it was 1 a.m. and he was exhausted from the lateness of the hour, and crying. So, without argument, he got in bed and curled up on his side facing away from his brother. He felt the bed dip behind him as Thor climbed in. Big arms and a large body pulled him in, engulfing him in love and warmth.

                “I love you, Loki.”

                “I know.”

XxXxXxXxXxXx

 

                In the morning, Thor called Dr. Banner and asked for an emergency appointment, and they were squeezed in at 2:30 that afternoon. Thor spent the morning trying to figure out what he would and wouldn’t tell Dr. Banner. Loki’s birth day was two weeks away. Though he wasn’t yet 18, he would be soon. There were some things the state could do to them to make their lives difficult, for a while, if they wanted to.

                Loki hadn’t spoken all morning, making him concerned. He didn’t know what Loki was thinking, if he was thinking the way he had last night. He was afraid to let him out of his sight now. It wasn’t until they’d pulled up at Dr. Banner’s office that Loki said something.

                “Why are we here?”

                “We need to figure this out.”

                “You understand that means we’ll have to tell him how we feel about one another.”

                “Yes.”

                “It could go bad. You know that.”

                “I can’t lose you. I’ll try anything.”

                “Almost anything,” he said, shooting Thor a pointed look. They got out of the vehicle and went inside.

                Dr. Banner was escorting Mrs. Fulgham out just as they came in.

                “Ah! Thor, Loki. Come on in.” The brothers took their spots on the good doctor’s couch, looking grim, like they were about to face a firing squad. Bruce took his seat in his chair. When he looked at them, he knew.

                “Before we begin, I feel I must inform you both of some legal requirements that I must follow. First, since Loki is a minor, any criminal activity that happens in the home, especially sexual activity, must be reported to CPS. And the adult involved would be arrested. So, before you tell me what I think you are going to tell me, don’t tell me,” he said. Loki and Thor both looked at each and then back at him.

                “We haven’t done anything… _yet_ ,” Loki said, terrified that Thor might go to jail. Bruce sighed in relief.

                “Thor, are you gay?”

                “Yes,” he said. Bruce nodded.

                “It’s not uncommon for family members to become close after a tragedy. Emotions run high and get confused. You are both young gay men in your prime. You’re horny and you have loved each other all your lives. It is the familial kind but recent events might have changed that into something new.”

                “Actually, I’ve felt…” Thor started.

                “Don’t tell me!” Bruce interrupted.  “Now, I need to ask you guys something, and it might seem like it is coming from left field. But please, answer me. Thor, which one of your parent’s do you look like most?”

                “Um, my dad. I mean I look like both of them, but I got my dad’s jaw line and blue eyes. My blond hair came from my mom’s side of the family.”

                “Okay, good. Loki?”

                “Um, neither really. Black sheep of the family. My mother said I have some cousins with dark brown hair.”

                “Loki, has it ever crossed your mind that you might be adopted?”

                “WHAT?” Loki and Thor both gasped. They looked at each other with new eyes. A lot of things made sense then. Loki’s body type, his personality, his black hair…he really is the black sheep of the family. How could they have never noticed it before?

                “Have you ever seen your birth certificate?” Bruce asked.

                “No,” Loki said.

                “Doctor, I think I understand what you are trying to do, but Loki is my brother. He will always be my brother.”

                “There it is. That is what needs to be addressed. Because if you two feel the way that I suspect you do, then you’ll need to re-examine how you view one another. Incest, even if gay, even if between adopted siblings, is still taboo, even illegal. If Loki is adopted, it would just be an excuse, but at least you would know that you are not genetically related. Not that _that_ really matters either. Neither one of you is female.”

                “And if I am adopted?” Loki asked.

                “Then the two of you need to think long and hard about what you stand to gain, and lose, should you proceed with what I think you are thinking about doing. Once you do it, you can’t undo it. If your relationship does not work out, you could both find yourselves alone with no family at all.”

                “That is what I fear as well. Loki is young. What if he outgrows me? Gets sick of me? I don’t know what I’d do if he left me.”

                “That is something you two need to discuss without me in the room. If you both decide that this is what you want, I am NOT advising you to sell your house, change your names, and move far away. And I am NOT advising you to wait until Loki is 18 to do anything that might be considered illegal in several states, including this one.”

                “Thank you,” Loki said, looking so hopeful and relieved that he might cry again. He shook Dr. Banner’s hand and grabbed Thor’s arm.

                “Let’s go home,” he said with a smile. Thor looked at Loki with a smile as well, and so much longing. As they got in Thor’s jeep and drove away, Bruce looked on knowing he’d never see or hear from them again.


	10. Bleach

“We should look at your birth certificate when we get home,” Thor said.

                “We should, but we both know what it will say. It doesn’t even matter really. Like Dr. Banner said, it’s not like one of us would get pregnant. Even if I weren’t adopted, which I am sure that I am, everyone in this town knows us as brothers. We have to get away,” he said. He placed his hand on Thor’s bicep, rubbing small circles as he awaited a response.

                “You will always be my brother Loki. We are choosing to do wrong.”

“Does that upset you?”

“It did,” he said. He turned his head to gaze upon Loki’s face. Tender love radiated from his eyes, soft and caring. “The thought of losing you upsets me more. It is already too late for us to go back to the way things were. We can only move forward now.”

“It will be better than anything we’ve ever shared before,” Loki said, so happy and hopeful and it reminded Thor that Loki hadn’t thought through all he stood to lose from their new relationship.

“Every aspect of our lives will be changed once we do this. That means cutting out everyone who currently knows us, including Sigyn,” Thor said. Loki frowned. He hadn’t considered that. Thor looked over at him and saw the devastation on his face. Sigyn was his best friend. He told her everything. It would be heart wrenching to never speak to her again. He looked into Thor’s eyes, and any hesitation evaporated.

                “We’ll always have the prom,” he said. Thor’s eyes met his and the rawness there made Loki’s breath hitch. Thor’s right hand came off the steering wheel and rested on Loki’s thigh. He gave it a squeeze, and Loki’s heart pounded in his chest. His hand moved higher and in between Loki’s legs, pressing at his crotch.

                “Drive faster,” he said. Thor punched the gas. Two infernally long red lights and a stretch of road later, they were home. When the door closed, Loki reached out and took Thor’s hand.  He leaned in and kissed him then, knowing they had privacy. Thor pressed him against the wall, knocking off a picture. They didn’t care. Loki felt his hand cupping his groin again and he ground into it. Thor’s left hand moved to cup his ass, then the other.

                Loki’s lungs felt tight. His clothes felt tight, his skin, everything felt tight. His toes tingled. His cock strained inside his jeans. He felt his back hit the mattress and fingers at his zipper. When his eyes met Thor’s again, he saw something in them he’d never seen before. Gone was the hesitation and guilt. Purpose, singular and focused, all trained on him. That longing replaced by determination and certainty. Here was the man Loki had been waiting to show up. Shirts and shoes went flying.

                “Ah!” Loki cried out when Thor’s hot mouth sucked him in. “Wait! Both of us, together. Get on the bed with me.” Thor got on and they moved into position with Thor on his back and Loki laying in the opposite direction on top of him. They took each other into their mouths, each bucking and groaning. Thor played with his ass cheeks, pulling them apart and rubbing his thumb against the red furl there. He buried his nose in Loki’s curls, breathing in his musk like cologne. He hummed his contentment, which made it difficult for Loki to focus on his own task.  He did it again, and Loki pulled off him gasping.

                “Oh Thor…” he keened. He couldn’t think or concentrate as Thor’s tongue danced between his legs. His hips bucked downward involuntarily, and Thor grabbed his hips harshly to still him. He was teasing him now, tonguing the tip of his dick and then sucking the head hard.  “Thor please!” Loki dove onto Thor’s cock again, determined to make him just as frustrated. He copied Thor’s technique, going back and forth between light airy touches and harsh fast movements. The fat long shaft barely fit in his mouth, but he was determined to swallow as much as he could. His eyes watered and he could hardly breathe given Thor’s own ministrations. Loki pulled off and tongued the head again, causing Thor to growl. Loki smirked in triumph, until he felt a prodding finger press into his hole. It felt strange and his body fought it at first, but it didn’t hurt. It explored his insides and when it found what it was looking for, Loki came hard. He trembled through his orgasm, latching back on to Thor’s shaft to give his love as good as he got. He sucked frantically, as Thor pressed kisses to all the soft sensitive patches of skin between his spread legs.

                “Loki…I’m going to come love. Baby…Baby I’m going to…I’m going to…ah…AH!” Loki licked it down as he listened to Thor’s yells of passion. He’d done that. He’d made Thor make those sounds. Every bitter salty drop that touched his tongue tasted like victory. After a moment of recovery, Loki sat up and moved so that Thor could as well. They crawled under the covers with Thor on his back and Loki’s head on his chest, listening to his heart.

                “June is not far off. After graduation, we can put the house up for sale. We’ll buy a truck and a tiny house and pick out a city with a school and good job market for welders,” Loki said.

                “I should have listened to you weeks ago,” Thor said. “When did you get to be so smart?”

                “I have always been smarter than you.”

                “I didn’t say that,” he said, turning his head and smirking at him. He pecked a kiss on Loki’s forehead and hugged him closer.

                “I say we stay home tomorrow and fuck in every room of the house.”

                “Okay.”

 XxXxXxXxXx

 

                Loki rubbed down the kitchen island with bleach. It needed a thorough cleaning after what he and Thor had done on it this morning. He was still loose, still sloppy, still naked.

                “I need you again,” Thor said as his large form pressed to Loki’s back again. His throbbing shaft poked at his crevice for moment before being placed at his opening and sliding in.

                “Mmm, oh it’s even better now. No burning or pain. I was already ready,” he said. Thor kissed Loki’s shoulder and up his neck to jawline as his hips worked. He made shallow slow grinding strokes that dragged heavy pressure against that pleasure nub inside Loki’s body. The air in Loki’s lungs felt heavy. Thor held him in his arms as they bent forward over the counter. With is hips pinned, Thor was able to control how much pleasure Loki received, and he kept him near the precipice but back off when Loki seemed near.

                Loki’s babbling begging moans became incoherent. His hair stuck to his sticky neck as sweat dripped from his brow and down his thighs. Thor could tease no longer. He picked up his pace, undulating his hips until the front of his legs slapped hard against Loki’s. He reached around to jerk Loki’s shaft. Two strokes and he was spraying come on the kitchen floor. Thor rode him hard then to finish, shoving his cock deep when he felt it happen.

                Thor lingered inside Loki, not wanting to end this feeling of being one with him. For as long as he’d managed to make this round last, he wished it was longer. He wanted to make love for hours. He had the stamina for it.

                “One day I’d like to us to try cock rings and Viagra. We could make it a goal, to see how long we can go.”

                “I want that too. Maybe one day, when we’ve relocated to a new town, we could go camping and make love under an open sky.”

                “Mmm, that sounds nice,” he said. “We need to shower. We’re disgusting.”

                “I need more bleach.”


	11. Epilogue

                Loki yanked the roll of tape across the top of the cardboard box. Most of their things were being given away. They didn’t want to bother with a storage facility and pay for space for things that only held sentimental value. It took them days to edit down what they would keep and what they would toss.

                “Well, that’s it for this room,” he said.

                “I’ll move on to the bathroom if you want to tackle the living room,” Thor said.

                “Yeah,” he said. Loki grabbed the tape and a stack of flat boxes. The shelves in the living room were filled with VHS tapes and his mother’s nick-knacks. The computer desk needed to be cleaned out too. He grabbed one of the flat boxes and squared it up, tapping it at all the bottom seams. He grabbed a darling little porcelain dairy cow and stared at it.

                “Mother loved you. I always thought you were ugly,” he said. He looked around to see if Thor was watching and shoved it into his cargo pocket instead. He grabbed the other items on the shelf and tossed them into the box, not caring if anything broke. Three boxes of junk later, Loki was done packing the shelves. He plopped down in the office chair and swiveled for a moment. He looked up at the ceiling, at the enormous cobb web hanging down. Neither he nor Thor did a very good job of dusting. He turned to the desk and opened the drawer, pulling out several files of financial importance. His birth certificate had not yielded the secret of his birth parents. It had Frigga and Odin listed on it, but apparently that still didn’t mean anything. States changed birth records for adopted children all the time, especially when the baby was given up at birth. It had been disappointing. Loki had hoped to it would give him their names. He pulled out the bottom drawer to see what was in it. An old photo album, one of Frigga’s firsts.   


                “Hey Thor! Come look at what I found!” he said as he opened it. Really old polaroids from the 1980s and 90s showed Frigga and Odin in their prime. Young and beautiful with their entire lives ahead of them. He turned the page, and there was a picture of Frigga, pregnant. He turned the page again, and there was baby Thor. He turned the page once more, and there was Frigga, pregnant holding toddler Thor. Loki frowned. He flipped the page again and Frigga and Odin were in a group picture with two people Loki had only dreamt about. A man and a woman, both with dark hair and green eyes. The woman looked very much like Frigga. They could be sisters.

                Loki heard Thor’s footsteps coming down the hall and he removed a couple pictures and shoved them in his pocket before Thor saw.

                “What did you find?”

                “An old photo album. Hey Thor, do you know who these people are?” he asked, handing Thor the picture album. Thor looked at it and smiled.

                “Oh! Aunt Freya and Uncle Eric! I remember them. I was really little when they moved away. They live in New York now.” He flipped back and forth a couple of times, looking at some of the photos and smiling. Thor put the album back in Loki’s hands and walked back out of the room to grab some boxes to load up onto the truck. Loki went back to look at it and continued flipping through until he found a photo of Frigga in the delivery room, holding baby Loki. Covered in sweat and wearing a hospital gown, there was no denying that she had birthed him. He slammed the book shut and tossed it into one of the boxes.

                “Brother mine. Always.”


End file.
